I'm still here, even if I'm not

What the hell am I doing.

I've started this post maybe 4 or 5 times, and still I feel as I could write forever and ever but nothing is coming. I have published my last post the 7th of August. You are probably wandering why I still have a blog if I am not able to write anything at all but let me tell you this: I have plenty of staff to talk about, from my time in Australia to my passion for food and cooking.

I just don't know how to do that.

I think I'm just scared, of what I don't really know.

Ayra

This is just a rant

It's 1.18 am, which is weird,because lately I've been going to sleep at 9.30.
However today I can't.
I have cried a bit. Not that long, only 30 minutes. I used to cry myself to sleep nearly five days a week, now I am getting better. It happens rarely, almost only twice or three times a month.
I have also learned to shut down some attacks, only the little ones though.
I have also reduced the medications because I am getting better.
That's the problem.
I don't want to.
I have always wanted to get better, be happy, with no anxiety,because being as I was until a few months ago is not healthy, both mentally and physically. But the truth is that I am scared of what it is like.

My memories starts around my 8th years of life, before I remember only four important moments. My mum breaking some biscuits to put in my milk (2 yo), me playing in the garden with two friends (4 yo), my grandpa funeral (4 yo) and my first day of school (6 yo).
When I was 8 I had my first attacks. It was my worst year of school. I was constantly scared, anxious, panicking.
But a year later I realised that my grandma was getting worse and worse. So I stop showed my parents how I was really feeling and start crying and feeling bad at night.
It kept going like that until I was 13, then I start showing it again a little bit at time til now.
So all I remember is living my life scared  sad, anxious. I don't really know any other way.

And also I don't wanna be happy. Look at the world outside of your windows. There's sadness, crimes, injustices everywhere. Why should I want to be happy in a world like this?

I wanted to talk about it with someone, but I can't. I won't be able.
I thought about texting some friends, but they would be able to answer me and I don't want to hear the happy story of how I'm gonna be ok and everything is gonna be fine and about how beautiful the world can be.
However, I feel like I needed to let Ayra know about it.
She's the best. She alwas ask me how I feel and care about my health, but I am not always truthful.
So here is the truth.

L

"We'd rather just keep dreaming"

When you are a kid, people ask you what you want to be when you grow up. Usually the answer is "I wanna be an astronaut" or "I wanna be a chef" or something like that. And people look at you with a smile, because it's cute, you are 4, maybe 5 or 6, and you have big dreams.

Then you grow up and you turn 11, 12 and then 13. People ask you again the same question. Your answer has changed. Now, it's more likely to be something like "I'd love to be a teacher". This time they don't smile at you, they just stay silent, maybe nod.

Now I'm 17. And again, people ask me what I wanna be, what is my dream. I'm not gonna say I have lived a long life, but I know more than when I was 5. I have understand what you have to study to be able to achieve your dream work, and I know what I love and what I don't.
I ask truthfully. "I wanna be a radio producer".
When I answer, people usually laugh at me, or just question me "why?" with a disgusted face, like it's not a real job.

I have heard every type of response from people. "Why something like that. You could do lot more, you could be a mathematician, your talents would be wasted.". Or "It doesn't happen in a second. You won't immediately be a producer. It takes time and you are gonna spend most of your life bringing coffees to people and being under payed". And let's never forget the amazing "You know, nowadays it's impossible to find a job, so lower your standards and stop dreaming.".

The thing is, when you are 4, 5 or 6 and you have no idea what being an astronaut means and you say that just because it seems cool to you and you like the stars in the night sky, people tell you to keep dreaming and to study hard to make your dream come true. But when you are 17 and you have to decide what to study at college and what you want to do for the rest of your life, people simply laugh at you, because dreaming is childish and you should focus on getting a real job, even if you don't like it.
I think people should encourage you to always keep dreaming. No matter if you are 5 or 6 or 17 or 18 or 25, I don't care.

Dreams are what make us waking up in the morning and decide to go out and live. That's because we want to live everyday in spite of getting better at whatever we need to be able to do in order to achieve them.
Telling people to stop dreaming is like asking them to die.

L

Music time with L #3

Hola people!

Today I don't want to talk about an album or an artist, but about a song lyric.

Let's just say that I'm back in one of those periods when I start thinking... a lot... And during the past comple of data, I've been thinking, probably way too much, about the lyric of Drown (Bring me the horizon).
They're not in my top list of bands (don't take it wrong, I enjoy listening to them), but when I first heard this song I fell in love with it. No one really knows this, but I've spent a lot of time listening to it.
When I have a new obsession, usually, I talk about it with someone. However, this time was different. A couple of friends knew I liked it, but I never told them I could spend hours with Drown on reaper on my phone. I still don't know why I've never told any of my friends about how much I love(d) it, but I surely know why I kept (and keep) listening to it. It's so powerful and meaningful.


I haven't thought about it for a long time, but yesterday it came back into my mind (thanks to 5sos in the bbc live lounge...) and I, again, started thinking.

"What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.

Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper.

And I can't take one more moment of this silence.

The loneliness is haunting me.

And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up.

It comes in waves, I close my eyes.

Hold my breath and let it bury me.

I'm not okay, and it's not alright.

Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

What doesn't destroy you, leaves you broken instead.

Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper.

And I can't take one more moment of this silence.

The loneliness is haunting me.

And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up.

It comes in waves, I close my eyes.

Hold my breath and let it bury me.

I'm not okay, and it's not alright

Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

'Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.

(Woah oh oh oh)

'Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.

(Woah oh oh oh)

'Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.

(Woah oh oh oh)

('Cause you know that I can't do this on my own.)

Who will fix me now?

Who will fix me now?

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down?

Save me from myself, don't let me drown."

I've always thought that it's a scream for help. You have been abandoned and you keep asking yourself who will help you, who will dive in when you're down. You need to been saved from yourself, 'cause, let's face it, we need. We can hurt ourself, and badly. And in both physically and mentally way. So it's normal to feel the necessity of someone who will save you. There's a hole growing deeper in you because you are lonely. And when you are, you feel like the world and its weight it's getting harder to hold up. You just feel like you can't do it anymore. It comes as a wave and you let it take over you.
The first line always caught my eyes. It's so true. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you wish you were dead. You are left so in pain that you prefer dead to keep feeling it. It a sentence that it's always stuck in the back of my mind.


In conclusion, I think I'm gonna print the lyric out and put it on my wall. (Just to clarify: if it's on my wall/wardrobe, than it's important to me).

Hope I haven't bored you with my *little* rant over a song lyric!
Have a great weekend.

L

The "Let's have fun in August" Project

Hola people!

So, it's September... How sad it is? In 12 days I'll be in school. WTAF?
However I had a fun time in August.

What happened at the start of the summer holiday was that I knew that by August I would have been too fed up of summer. So I decided to do a thing.
I called it "Let's have fun in August" (or, shortly LHFIA).
What?
It's simple. 31 one notes. One for each day. One thing to do written on them. You can not change the note.
For the last month I picked up a note each morning and tried to do what was written on it.

And this is how it went.

Day 1: Let's go for a run!!
   Yeah... that was the idea, but when I finally convinced myself about going outside and do physical activities, well, it started raining. And I don't mean like a 10 minutes of raining and that's it. Oh no. 3 hours. 3 hours of non stop raining. It was like being in November. So I had a hot bath and then went straight under the covers (2 covers...) and listened to music while scrolling to tumblr (and ignoring my mum telling me that I was doing nothing at all and that I should have been studying and bla bla bla). Oh and I tried to learn the intro to "She's kinda hot".
UPDATE: exactly one month later I went running with some friends. And I didn't die!

Day 2: Spend your time singing
   Considering that I started singing even before reading the note, it went extremely well. I sang the whole day. While baking, while having a shower, while studying. I tried even while being at the computer, but in some moment there was my dad there watching the news, and the news are like a holy thing for my dad, so I have to stay quiet...

Day 3: Cuddle with cat
   I did it! And I was very happy. But it was too damn hot, so i decided to stop cuddling, but keep doing sweet things for her. I took her out for a walk (yes, I know, weird, bout my cat likes it), and so on.

Day 4: MCR live from house of blues
   Instead of watching a movie, that night I watched the YouTube videos from the My Chemical Romance's concert at the House of Blues of L.A.. You can not understand the feelings. Nearly cried a couple of time. But a great night.

Day 5: Do something (You're not really helpful today)
   I probably ran out of ideas while writing the notes... but it was a good day. I could have done whatever I wanted. And so I did.

• Went to the supermarket with my dad
• Did my homework
• Played the guitar for a bit
• Chose a list of songs to TRY to learn to play on the guitar

Day 6: A bit of acoustic songs
   Luckily I have a playlist for this! Only 26 songs (aka 1 hour and 36 minutes), but it was enough. A great mix too: 5 Seconds Of Summer, Green Day, All Time Low, The Madden Brothers, The Vamps, Panic! At The Disco and Fall Out Boy. i enjoyed this! Thanks past me!

Day 7: Watch a movie
   And I chose "school of rock". One of my friends has spent last year telling me how amazingly funny and spectacular it was, so I gave it a shot. not too bad, funny, and a bit strange, but not my genre. So after that I watched for the n-time "the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy". And before going to bed "Winnie the Pooh: greatest adventure". Don't judge me, I love it. And it can be really sad. And I love Winnie the Pooh. Well, as it said ONE movie and i ended up watching three I can say that I completed today task!

Day 8: Puzzle
   My idea was, as I had to study, during the afternoon and stuff to do in the morning, to do it before sleeping. However yesterday night I collapsed on the bed and fell asleep. So no puzzle

Day 9: Cook a meal (good luck)
   I cooked lunch. Fajitas. For the first time. Probably wasn't the best idea... but they turned out delicious according to my dad (which is rare) and not too spicy according to my mum (also rare). So yey.

Day 10: Take a selfie
   Why? Why would you do something like this to me, me? Ok, maybe I'm over reacting... but come on I hate taking selfies, especially if I'm alone... So I tried to take one with the cat. It didn't work. She kept moving. So I take one, all, alone, by myself. Are you happy now, my dear past-me? Hope you are.

The notes, halfway trough the month

Day 11: Doctor Who
   BEST DAY EVER! I watched Doctor Who episodes, drank coffee from a Doctor Who mug, and listened to the soundtrack while studying! Yey! even Latin became something supportable with Doctor Who

Day 12: Play guitar
   Done it! Badly, extremely badly (as always) but done it.

Day 13: Porridge cake
   If there's one thing I love in summer is porridge cake. Chocolate and Vanilla. Delicious! My parents appreciated (as I couldn't eat it. Stupid virus)

Day 14: Music day (aka normal day)
   I spent the day listening to A LOT of music. And I mean It. Three playlists. And my playlist usually are 4/5 hours long. So yes. I actually spent my time with either headphones on or music a full volume in my room. It was a really good day!

Day 15: Draw something
   I had no ideas. So I decided to understand which tattoos I really want. After that I sketched them down. And even if Ayra doesn't really like the heart one, I love all of them. But at the end I think I'll make the tattoo artist draw/write them again and better.

Day 16: TIDY your room
   I am really proud of myself! I tidied my room and rearranged the bedsides table and put an armchair next to my bed. Now it's all cute and clean! Ok, maybe not cute, but at least clean.

Day 17: Anime time
   A lot of manga reading and anime watching actually. Great day. Death Note, Tokyo Ghoul. Let's just say I had a great time.

Day 18: A bit LOT of live music
   I made up a spotify playlist (obviously) and listened to it for a loooong time. Exactly 11 hours, yeh. Maybe I listened to a little bit too much music, but, hey, I didn't have a music hangover (if they're a thing...).

Day 19: Buy a plant for my room
   I bought a little cactus. And it's soooooo cute. I'm scared it's gonna die after 2 weeks like the other one I had, but hopefully not.
UPDATE: it's the 2nd of September, exactly 2 weeks. IT'S STILL ALIVE!!

Day 20: I have no idea... you choose!
   I spent the day studying, nothing else. Well, that wasn't exating at all.

Day 21: Only homework today
   First. Seriously. I had the exact same day yesterday... However, I did my homework for all day. Yey -.-

Day 22: Hang out with friends
   Ok, now. One is in Peru. One in Australia. Three of them somewhere in mountain. And one in southern Italy. And I am in Milan. Alone. I ended up hanging out with me, in my room. What a great day. Why did I even wrote it down, I knew in August no one is here. Come one L, use your brain sometimes.

Day 23: Explore!
   I went around town to look for a place where I could buy a phone battery as mine is dead since June. And I can not live forever with my mum Nokia 1110. And I found one. Actually it was close, but I'll go back there next week and order the battery.

Day 24: Write a post for the blog
   I wrote down the first part of this post. The introduction where I explain what LHFIA is.

Day 25: Relax
   An entire day in bed, doing nothing at all. Just me, music, YouTube and tumblr.

Day 26: TIDY your bathroom
   It took me the whole day, but now is all clean, everything is in its place. And I'm proud of it.

Day 27: Let's read something
   I read "Six easy pieces", by Feynman. That's it. Nothing more.

Day 28: Star wars
   I... Ok, I dind't. I had to study during the morning and afternoon, so I thought that it would be a good idea to do it in the evening, but then I found out two of my friends were back home so we spent the evening out. And then I fell asleep as soon as I sat on my bed.

Day 29: Shower with clothes on
   I don't know why, but it really make me feel it's actually summer when I do it. I love taking cold shower with clothes on, just to get fresh and then run to the balcony and stay there, under the sun, reading and listening to music.

Day 30: Listen to radio station
   Two hours listening to BBC radio 1 at home and then 4 hours listening to the one which was playing in the swimming pool.

Day 31: A day on the balcony
   Me, homework, a chair and a little table. For 8 hours. Great thing is, I finished my English homework!!!

Everything I did during August

It was... well, different. And fun. I think I'll do it again.

Have a nice week.
And to all the people going back to school,  good luck.

L

Music time with L #2

This is gonna be long. And sorry for the language, too.

Hola people!

So, music. I love it. That's a thing. One of my best friends loves it too. However we like differents bands and differents type of music.
Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time...
Ok, not really, it was something like 4 months ago (?) and my best friends came to me and randomly told me "Hey, I'm making you a cd with a lot of music I love as you listen only to shitty bands"
First. What a lovely friends I have, don't you think?
Second. My thought was immediately 'yey new music to listen to!'
Finally, after a couple of weeks he arrived at school and gave me a cd with "Rockin' Life" written on it.
When I arrived home that day I started listening to it. Well, technically, before I had to put a title and the artist name for each songs as I want everything to have a title, a genre, a year, and album name and an artist name and he just simply don't give a fuck about it. But, as soon as I read the tracklist (on my computer as he hadn't written it down) I started texting him.
'Omg you put even a song from MCR even if you don't really like them!! Right now I really really want to hug you'
'You are aware about the fact that I know half of the songs on the cd, right? Be proud!'
'Hahahaha you have put real gone in it too!!'
And other stuff like that.
Then I started listening too it and it was amazing.
Great songs, great bands, great singers.
After a couple of days I had finished listening to the whole cd, so I went to him and told him my thought.
Now was my turn.
I made him a cd too, with songs I particularly enjoy. It was, as his name said, "Something Different". I put all the titles and the artist names and even print a little booklet with an explanation of what the cd was and the track list (and a couple of typos here and there...). I gave it to him, and after a couple of months I asked him his thoughts as he never told me anything. His answer? "Well, I didn't came to you saying it was amazing and neither killed you. So, yeah".
Again what a lovely friend. However he told me that some of the songs where great.

Now. Why did I just write down this long story? Because this post his about music I particularly like (aka Something different) and song I discovered I enjoy (aka Rockin' Life).


Something Different.
It's just a giant mess, really.
Different bands and singers. Some live tracks, some studio tracks. I love how a band is able to express who they really are during a concert, so I couldn't not put some live songs. Oh, and one acustic.
But it's what I love. I love every single chord of the songs and every single word from the lyrics. They're like a part of me. Of course I couldn't put every single song I like. So I didn't put anything from My Chemical Romance (he already new about my obsession) and from Green Day (as he put some songs on his cd).
At the end was a mix of All Time Low, An Honest Year, As It Is, Bastille, Blink 182, Busted, Ed Sheeran, Fall Out Boy, Hey Violet, Imagine Dragons, McBusted, McFly, Muse, Panic! At The Disco, Paramore, Pierce The Veil, Sleeping With Sirens, The 1975, The All-American Reject, The Madden Brothers, The Vamps, Twenty One Pilots, We The Kings and 5 Seconds Of Summer.

Rockin' Life.
It's basically the same mess, but with rock music, songs he loves and without live songs. But is' really great. It's amazing how much I've enjoyed listening to it. It was something "new" for me. Like, yes I knew most of the songs, but I had never stop to actually Listen to them, if you know what I mean.
It'ss such an amazing mix.  AC DC, Aerosmith,  Black Sabbath, Bob Marley, Bon Jovi,  Carnivore, Cat Stevens, Deep Purple, Eagles, Europe, Green Day, Guns n' Roses, John Lennon, Kiss, Led Zeppelin, Metallica, My Chemical Romance, Nirvana, Pink Floyd, Rainbow, Red Hot Chili Pepper, Sheryl Crow, Slash, Smash Mouth, Snap, Sum 41, System Of A Down, The Beatles, The Queen, Twisted Sister, Van Halen, ZZ Top.


So, this is the story.
Also, I made two spotify playlist with the songs from the two cds in case you want to listen to them and/or see the tracklist.
Rockin' Life
Something Different

Have a nice week!


L

Not a good day

Today is a bad day.

Why? I don't know.

The only thing I know is that I need to cry, but I won't.

Maybe is a bad day because of the grey sky and the cold weather, maybe because I spent the whole day at school, maybe because I miss my friends.

I'm in Australia since the 10th of July and this is the first day when I really really want to stay all afternoon in my bed and listen to sad music.

But I won't.

The grey sky will become brighter and so will do my mood, even if I'll be still looking for my place in the world.

For that reason, now I'll go downstairs on the couch and I'll try to smile and laugh.

It's gonna be hard find the right place for me, but I won't stop looking for it.

Ayra