This is just a rant

It's 1.18 am, which is weird,because lately I've been going to sleep at 9.30.
However today I can't.
I have cried a bit. Not that long, only 30 minutes. I used to cry myself to sleep nearly five days a week, now I am getting better. It happens rarely, almost only twice or three times a month.
I have also learned to shut down some attacks, only the little ones though.
I have also reduced the medications because I am getting better.
That's the problem.
I don't want to.
I have always wanted to get better, be happy, with no anxiety,because being as I was until a few months ago is not healthy, both mentally and physically. But the truth is that I am scared of what it is like.

My memories starts around my 8th years of life, before I remember only four important moments. My mum breaking some biscuits to put in my milk (2 yo), me playing in the garden with two friends (4 yo), my grandpa funeral (4 yo) and my first day of school (6 yo).
When I was 8 I had my first attacks. It was my worst year of school. I was constantly scared, anxious, panicking.
But a year later I realised that my grandma was getting worse and worse. So I stop showed my parents how I was really feeling and start crying and feeling bad at night.
It kept going like that until I was 13, then I start showing it again a little bit at time til now.
So all I remember is living my life scared  sad, anxious. I don't really know any other way.

And also I don't wanna be happy. Look at the world outside of your windows. There's sadness, crimes, injustices everywhere. Why should I want to be happy in a world like this?

I wanted to talk about it with someone, but I can't. I won't be able.
I thought about texting some friends, but they would be able to answer me and I don't want to hear the happy story of how I'm gonna be ok and everything is gonna be fine and about how beautiful the world can be.
However, I feel like I needed to let Ayra know about it.
She's the best. She alwas ask me how I feel and care about my health, but I am not always truthful.
So here is the truth.

L