So, how is it going? Pretty awful right now for me.
Let me explain.
On Saturday I fell while walking and today I went to A&E to check on my right hipbone because I couldn't walk. End of the story, they haven't understood what is wrong because it's not broken and they didn't want to get me a x-ray.
But that's not the reason.
As an outcome of me being clumsy and not able to properly walk I am stuck in bed (or couch) for the next couple of days for sure.
And the awful part is not even here.
It's not because I'm bored or I can't go wherever I want (that is kind of cool, plus I have laptop, doctor who and wifi, so it'all good) but because I think, and that's not a good thing for me.
It all started this morning.
I woke up at 2 am for the pain and I wasn't able to go back to sleep and I start looking at stuff stored in my phone and laptop.
I found out a bunch of quote I wrote down while reading, listening to music and watching tv and I found out this one:
"I was awake, just staring at the wall, mixing reality and my imagination together into the reality I wanted"
Of course I haven't wrote down where is this taken from, as I'm an idiot, but it made me think, and a lot.
That's something that I constantly do, creating the reality I want.
But the scary thing is that I started living more in that imaginary, still amazing world rather then in this. I'm constantly thinking about how my life would have gone if I would have gave a different answer, if I haven't sent that stupid message two and a half years ago, if I wouldn't choose the school I'm attending. And if I'm not, I'm either thinking about possible futures, if I drop out of school, or not going to uni after high school, or having the possibility of working in radio as a producer or if I won't achive my dream or just imagining the life I'd like to have, free from my problems and travelling or being with friends doing what I love.
But that something all of us do, right, thinking about the perfect life. It is normal, and a lot if you actually kind of hate the one you have.
My problem is that it's kind of becoming an addiction. I feel like I'm constantly there, living the live of the "what if", or the one about my possible futures, or my favorite one, the completely different one, where I'm am who I want to be. The main problem: even when I'm with my friends, I'll zone out and think about it.
Do you see why I call it an addiction?
And that's totally not ok, because I would stop anything I'm doing and think about my "other possible life" and not studying, or not going outside and then it would come the stress and the anxiety because
1) I'm not studying
2) I'm not living the life I'm creating in my mind and I don't like the one I'm living.
Ok, my mind is just a mess, not only right now, but constantly and I need to do something about it and my imagination problems.
I'm sorry for this non-sense post, but I needed to just write and let it out.
And I'm also sorry if this is full of grammatical mistakes and/or typos, but it' s 11 pm and I woke up at 2 am this morning and I don't have the force to proofread it.
Have a good week.
See you next time
L
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